I am often asked why we decided to home-educate our boys.
The idea of home-education actually started long before covid when Luca, our now 17 year old son and small business-owner was a shy and withdrawn 7 year old, totally disengaged from school and experiencing massive distress at his and my separation at school drop offs. Although physically very adept and meeting gross motor milestones long before his peers, Luca was completely non-verbal until well after his third birthday. We had already initiated the long wait with CAMHS and on the suggestion from his school had an educational psychologist assess him. His neuro-divergence explained many of school’s concerns. He had (and still does have) a very short attention span. He had to keep moving his body and doing things with his hands to help ground him and to develop his sense of safety and proprioception. We felt school was not the right environment for him and wanted to keep him home but didn’t feel confident or informed enough to do so. At the time I had an older boy already in school, a toddler at home and was pregnant with my forth baby. Everything felt just too overwhelming - I was fragile and felt unsupported in following what my heart was trying to tell me to do. The best school could offer us was an occasional 1:1 support for Luca in the classroom to help focus and engage him with lessons, so we reluctantly agreed to this new provision and Luca remained at school.
Fast forward a few years, covid came and everything changed. By then we were better informed, had made connections in the home-ed community, researched and read other families journey leaving the school system. Luca had since left his first school and was happily settled into a performing arts school having developed a love for acting. The younger boys were still in mainstream. Luca’s school sadly had to close its academic provision at the start of covid. We made the decision - deregistered the children and then were on our own.
Since then and now things have changed further. Like so many who take their kids out of school, we jumped in fresh with a schooling-mindset hastening to replicate some sort of curriculum with tutors and home-ed groups lined up to continue the boys where they left off with their subjects at school. It was covid, everything was online and this meant what was on offer was deeply unappealing for the boys. We were still living in our old townhouse in lockdown - it was probably the worst time to begin a home-education journey! We made the most of trips out to London, visiting museums, botanical gardens and finding a learning opportunity in every moment. I remember mentally ticking off in my head ‘right that’s a bit of maths for them’ when weighing out baking ingredients or ‘that’s a geography lesson today’ when they decided to draw the flags of the world.
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But I wonder if any of our endeavours to try a create a fun and inspiring home-learning environment were necessary to their wellbeing and educational development. Particularly when it began to feel, well, quite stressful on us as parents when they would resist (understandable as lessons were delivered online at this time) or we would reach the end of a day feeling we had done ‘nothing’ even remotely educational? Or worse when we would enter into conversations with concerned friends and family members enquiring into how their days were structured, what were they ‘learning’ and how they were doing with reading, spellings, times tables etc.
I came slowly to realise it wasn’t the fact that they weren’t in a physical school that was detrimental to their wellbeing - it was the entire system; from a government chosen curriculum we had no say over, to the regimented expectations and control of everything that institutional environment imposed on all children from when to eat to toilet visits, outdoor and play time, dress codes and haircuts. I began to read about families who were choosing a different home-education path. One that was more child-led and self-directed.
Unschooling began to resonate as a concept that did the exact opposite of what schooling intended to bring : A way of supporting a childhood that was rich in real-life experiences, with play and community involvement seen as integral components of education. It nurtured critical thinking, creativity, and a lifelong love of learning. Parents and facilitators in unschooling roles act as guides or resources rather than traditional instructors, creating an environment where learning is a natural, enjoyable, and continuous process.
The main concepts for us and how we embraced unschooling were:
We removed time limits on discovering and learning new subjects. When they showed interest in a new topic we supported them in every way to explore it at their own pace and to take as long as they liked immersed in their subjects.
We removed our own expectations of the outcomes to their learning. We stopped thinking about which reading or maths level they were at. We stopped quizzing them on their knowledge at the end of the day. Instead we began to formulate conversations and introduced these with other family members rather than take on an evaluative approach.
We valued their individualism and celebrated their differences. We stopped lumping them all into one ‘home-schooled kid’ persona and learned that they all take on new information in different ways.
We prioritised the values that meant the most to us - family and nature, and made sure these were foundational to our process. We radically reduced everyones screen time by stopping online tutoring instead choosing nature-based learning provisions and at-home tutors who were aligned with our values.
We re-established some family understandings and encouraged the older boys to participate and support their younger siblings. This was a win all around as it took the pressure off Nick and I to do everything and helped Noah and Luca to lean into more mentor- like roles with their younger brothers.
We established some non-negotiables and firmer boundaries. A common misconception when people hear the term ‘unschooling’ is they think the parents allow children to have complete free rein . On the contrary, we really believe children should know where parental limits are, house and family rules and respect each sibling’s own boundaries. We eat dinner together every night. No tv suppers and definitely no phones at the table. We hold conversations and sometimes play games after eating too. This is also a great time for everyone to check in with one another, communicate, trouble-shoot and resolve any conflicts.
We learnt to trust our children and the timings of their development.
We reinforced the concept of team-work and now ensure each one of us participates and has their own daily responsibilities. From laying the table and emptying the dishwasher, to taking out the bins and collecting the eggs, plus other more hands-on smallholding tasks. This helps remind everyone that we are all working together and each individual plays a supportive role of value in this little community of ours.
We slowed right down and just got off their backs!
And once everyone relaxed we began to find our groove and things are pretty harmonious at home as everyone gets into their daily flow. Of course nothing is ever perfect and we all go off track from time to time. I do battle daily with Theo to get off his Xbox and back outside. Gratefully receiving any tips on how mamas of fellow 13 year year olds manage gaming-time!!
Perhaps the thing that was most important of all was that we, as parents and adults also went through our own unschooling process - breaking free from a rigid educational structure-mindset and the societal expectations that comes with that, meant we discovered a new side to ourselves. Truth is, we have all been in a deep process of unschooling. Shaking off a deep-rooted trauma bond to do as others would expect from us. Years of people-pleasing and conforming to others’ expectations, years of suppressing our individuality, squashing down our personal and political opinions, overcoming comparison and the glorification of the burn-out working culture. And knowing all of this really stems from our own schooling experiences. And parents and teachers are not to blame here. Most are simply doing the best they can with what they have. It is the entire system that is deeply flawed; built on a concept with origins in creating institutions for children so that the parents could go be in the Victorian workhouses to earn a minimum wage so the family could just about survive. It is a concept that at its core operates on separating families, shaping children into compliant adults who will one day too slot into the working machine.
But it is also a choice.
And for us our choices are clear.
So for us, how does a typical week look? Here follows this past week with pictures as a bit of an average one for us. Obviously things change and we might do additional activities as and when but now that we are here on our smallholding on the cusp of the peak of summer, there is so much here to keep everyone involved and busy…